"The Scootch"

I have a insight to the world of being married today. I am going to talk about the "scootch" which has plagued men for ages. Scientifically proven, woman are a billion degrees when they sleep and men are usually at a mildly comfortable level if not a little warm. I like to sleep with the fan on and usually do the leg kick out over the covers to maintain the perfect temperature. If you get a little hot, throw the leg outside the covers and bam, temperature neutralized. If you are a little cold, pull the leg back in a again the temperature is once again balanced. I have practiced this technique for years. Well when you put a wife in the mix, the whole world changes. I have found that when my wife falls asleep her body rises to temperatures that are not human, in fact I am pretty sure that could melt steel. But the completely confusing part to this mystery is that my wife still thinks that she is cold. So much so that she has too come try to steal what body heat I have to counteract what I believe to be a chemical imbalance, which tricks her to think that even though she is 1,000 degrees already, she actually thinks that she is -32. With this in mind I will explain the "scootch". I will be sleeping, and all of the sudden wake up because of two things, one my butt is about to fall off the bed and two because I have broken into a horrible sweat. This is because when my wife gets cold she begins to scootch over to where I am and I scootch away, all the way till I almost fall off the bed. I wake up and tell her or push her back to her side of the bed and in a sleepy voice, complain about all the open real estate that she has on her side of the bed and that I think her skin is going to make me melt. She responds to this by saying, I am freezing. What the crap!*? This is a battle that will be fought for the rest of my days. The "Scootch", helping men everywhere sweat off water weight because their wives are 1,000 degrees when they sleep.